Tumbling back and forth

Remembering the years you've raised me,
The way you loved us all,
no matter if we were your own children, see,
the thing is, damn, you always gave us love.

Sitting at the table with you,
laughing, singing and crying
It feels like I am having a déjà vu,
No, more like I am constantly dying

Listening to all your stories, selfless endless love,
about the beautiful life of a mother,
about trust and war,
and again, about the reasons to raise me and my brother

Remember? The moment you've lost your heart,
Running tears. Emptiness. Just gone.
Lung cancer ripped you both apart
I remember, While I am looking at the paintings, that he has drawn

lightning candles, bidden to pray
I knew your heart was broken,
Nothing can take that away,
A wound, left wide open.

Cries, full of pain,
I've heard you suffering, almost every night.
Setting a foot in to realize, they still remain
All these times you've cried...

Remembering the day they've called.
Telling me that there is still hope and nothing is lost.
Still, it ripped my heart completely apart,
Couldn't imagine that you could be gone...

The last time I saw you,
teared up - you said, you weren't afraid of the pain,
only of the water, that is filing your lungs
and won't let you sustain

Listening to the trumpets, singing the saddest song.
while I am looking at your picture, breathless heart,
can't believe that you're gone.
Your time has come, so god ripped us apart.

Hoped and prayed,
Weren't ready to let you go.
We were too afraid,
couldn't imagine a world without you, you know

Holding you the last time,

while I am about to realize that you're gone.

 

loose it, take it,

let yourself drown, drown in whatever you need,

it's your time to be your own best friend,

and take what makes you happy, it has nothing to do with greed

haunted

pressure, smothes her.

inking into a different place,

where you loose your veneer,

and stop trying to be an ace.

fear, gnaws on her.

crawling in my skin,

where you can't discern,

from true and false within.

vulnerability, kills her.

misguiding guilt and doubts,

where you get judged and judge,

for feeling intensive and having wounds.

shelter, isolates her.

protecting yourself from everything around you,

where you forget to be reachable,

for people who don't wanna hurt you.

 

melancholy, touches her.

emptying your sorrow with a smile,

where you know life ends fast,

you try to hold onto it a little more, a little while.

greed, haunts her.

thinking of the bitter taste of love,

where you feel alone and cold,

cause you're scared to lose it all.

hope, embraces her.

trusting in the beliefs I grow up with and

remember: everything will be okay in the end.

and if it's not ok,-

-"it's not the end".

INK

smiling through it, getting wasted

a feeling of a wrong compromise,

not getting any stronger,

after I realized,

that I'm almost cured,

its getting thin,

no scratching, not winded

but I was so wrong, what I believed in

that, when it heals on the outside,

I'll be happy and blessed,

figured that there is something else,

that needs to cure, to heal the rest

there is a kind of sorrow, deep inside,

there is something that holds me back,

from being happy, from being just satisfied

which drowns my heart away into the color black

trying and trying to find the cause,

while I smile and laugh about trifles

while I get mad and desperate,

and asking myself, what happens at the end of it

sometimes I can hear it wisper,

sometimes I can hear it scream,

but I can't identify the cause,

It feels full and then just lean

but there is one thing, I can hold onto, 

which I can save from the unwritten wink

my drowned heart, that still pulse

gives me the chance, to wash away the followed

ink.

inner child

standing in front of it and taking a look

getting closer and starting to realize

how many times my body tried to tell me,

pretty loud, that I've done the wrong compromise.

the armour of shelter is getting thick,

while I'm scratching it. just wounded,

til I see blood and escape the tears,

til I catch myself that I feel haunted.

being confused about the signs,

trying to understand and keep asking why,

what might have gone wrong

til I see pieces of the puzzle, that I hide.

now I'm chasing them, all inside of me,

to get what I need to feel free,

to just be who I'm supposed to be, 

well, lets's say

my inner child needs me

one time

misguided eyes, misguided minds,
look at me, look at me with all my lies,
can you feel those spots?
can you see the have-nots?

rhythm, taste and smell,
bloody skin, scratched well,..
to find satisfaction in pain,
while getting rid of it, its just a shame

building a shell, made of skin,
while finding the purpose of a sin,
the sin to wallow in sympathy
and blaming others for my insecurity,

while its building this armour,
I won't stop walking further, 
and passing all those mirrors,
stop thinking I'm a unlucky fellow,

but chasing my dreams,
holding onto beliefs,
getting stronger and wiser,
with all my desire,
to find peace within myself,
to be just me, and nobody else,

to create happiness as much as possible,
to help others who have the same troubles,
to get along with it, as best as I can,
to live and laugh and hold onto that plan,

the plan to just go through that process,
til my body decides to create new options,
til my soul spoke loud enough, 
til my heart sacrificed a lot,
just til I've healed that sad child,
just til it spoke, once a while
just let me hold it,....


one time.

Crave.

winded moments of beautiful secrecy

I try so hard, but I can't even feel my heartbeat.

so quiet around me, so loud at the same time,

can't hear anything, because of my loud mind.

senseless sorrows  full of fears,

get rid of all those tears, 

without any aim to reach,

and all I do is preach,

preach how I must treat myself to be happy,

but on that road, I found a lot of things- may sound sappy,

which probably won't come true on this earth,

cause I know, that some things aren't worth,

aren't worth to explain,

to people who won't remain...

feeling stuck, somewhere far behind...

somewhere where I can't even hear my own mind,

somewhere quiet and somewhere below

somewhere above, just feeling low

but never dare to lose faith

I know its hard but please be brave

and the day where we get out of that maze

will come one day,

growing crave...

Sparks

silk touch, wounded heart

let me feel your unspoken thoughts

rest your skin above my empathy,

let me hear your inner symphony

see the light, don't be a hawk

a blurred mind? just follow your heart!

I can tell you, what I can see

you're much more than a entity!

your inner beauty, your light,

something that you can't hide,

will shine brighter than any flaw,

will blow away any sore!

trust me, when I tell you, here and right now

we will make it through somehow

I will lead you, out of the dark

it might sound cheesy but there are sparks!

trust me, when I tell you, that you're confused

about all that "what's beautiful", lets refuse

that our inner beauty never dies,

as long as we make the compromise

to be ourselves.

Struggle

Hope that grows, hope that lasts

Will you lead me out of my past?

Sprinkled Skin, sorrow-heart,

draw out the fear of those wounded marks

Someone once said,

"Embrace the faith"

And I know, he's right,

that's how I still stand.

Seeking for the cure, day In day out,

The value of life has changed somehow

Even if I know, that I'm still loved,

What bothers, are those negative thoughts

To hide the pain behind a mask,

Is no solution

It just tells me

you've swallowed your past.

So do all you can, to stay strong,

Remind yourself, you're not alone

And be thankful for all you have,

Cause remember, "it could be worse"

We're seeking for strength,

We'll creat something great,

You will see,

One day will be our day!

Sailing

Blinded mind, swallowed thoughts
Where am I, what says my heart?

don't know what I feel, don't know where I'm at,

don't know what to remember or to forget...

I can't believe, the reflection that I see,

all those red little spots, is that me?

nights full of itches and burning skin,

days of mind injections, without a pin,

searching for a resort of love

where you don't get judged by flaws,

or any kind of imperfection,

where I don't need any protection

can't crawl, crave or yawn,

but hope and hope for the better,

day and night, even til dawn

sailing along a river, til I find the sea,

let me feel peace, let me feel free.

cause all I ever want, is being....

me

EXHALE

for all those fears and screams I hear,

I tell you, I promise, I will heal,

not any longer I allow you to judge,

not any longer I allow myself to blush,

and be affraid to be who I'm supposed to be,

rather I'd be confident, strong and secure,

about what's inside of me, 

about what nobody has ever seen,

about these particular little things in life,

that made me once smile,

just quiet, just gentle,

just there, just simple.

just be...

I. Thought

skinned heart, skinned mind,

let me breath, not left behind,

not any longer I'll suffer in silence,

rather I'd speak out with violence,

through all those tears which fall and fall, 

over my inflamed skin which crawls and burns to suffer,

what do I feel, hear and see when I think about my infancy?